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We're taught to love our bodies, bumps, blemishes, beauty and all. To some, God was—shall we say—generous in certain areas. She (yes she, wanna fight?) bestowed the gift of giant penises on some men and big boobs to some ladies, leaving all the other suckers to gaze with envy.
But should they?
Actually, maybe not.
The Problem With Big Schlongs
Sure, every man dreams of his lover gazing adoringly at his long johnson, but it's not always so hot to be well-endowed. Statistically, married men with sizable man parts are more likely to be cheated on by their wives. The theory is that larger penises (besides being awesome) can cause discomfort for many ladies—so they seek pleasure elsewhere. Ouch!
A Nerve.com writer relented an embarrassing tale about being told that he needed to "cover up" at high school swim practice because his big penis was "distracting." Merely sitting and using a toilet are awkward. According to him, sex is either hit or miss:
"Once a prospective playmate gets a good look (stare) at what they’re in for, it's a coin-flip between porn-tastic zeal and, "There's no way that's going in me." And when it does work out, well, let’s just say that caution’s the name of the game; nothing kills a hard-on faster than the idea that your cock's going to pull a chestburster. From Ron Jeremy to Dirk Diggler, guys with big dicks are portrayed as, well, big dicks, and to be fair, there's no Mastadonic Penis Club for Men to keep you from getting obsessed with your wang."
And this isn't just a problem for the gentlemen.
Big Boobs Can Be a Curse
Then there's me, your humble narrator and a member of Team Big Boobies. My own womanhood began bursting from my chest at age eight, and didn't stop until I was in my late teens. Today, I wear a size 32DD bra, which is not the norm. I've learned to love my body, but extreme sexual objectification put a damper on my self-esteem for most of my adolescence.
For starters, there was the rampant street harassment. Let me tell you something: perverts see boobs, not the braces and baby face behind them. Then there was that awkward moment when certain (adult) male family friends decided, hey, Giana's 16—time to start openly staring down her shirt and making obscene comments about her body! Unwanted physical gropes, sexual advances and general fear permeated my teenage years. The undesired attention haunted me. And trust me, I was not "asking for it."
Worst of all? My friends didn't get it. When I asked if I could borrow a top, they'd exchange knowing glances among each other and say, "Hey Giana . . . we actually would prefer it if you didn't borrow any of our clothes. Your boobs will stretch the fabric and ruin them." I spent prom season crying alone in a dressing room because none of the dresses fit me. "OMG, stop that—you're lucky you have them," they'd say. The girls didn't mean to be cruel; they just didn't understand.
I felt like a hideous, pervert-attracting monster. Obviously, I'm not. Neither is our buddy over at Nerve. Then again, it's not like we suffer—hell, I love my body now! Still, it sucks to be called "different" when maturing, and envy can often feel isolating.
My point? It's OK to be jealous of others who possess physical attributes you desire, but don't assume big boobs or dicks mean a stress-free life. It's never quite that simple.
